“I am NEVER drinking again!” A common cry the morning after unbridled shenanigans… but please, you’re not fooling anyone. Come Saturday you’ll be primed and ready for cocktails with the squad. Actually, who are you kidding. Wednesday night you looked at the opened bottle of red. The one that has been on the shelf so long it is closer to vinegar than grape juice and thought, it might still be ok.

We have all been there…

Let’s rewind. You have just awoken, cottonmouth akin to the Sahara Desert, head is spinning, you’re nauseated to a point of despair. You’ve probably had less than five hours sleep and you may or may not have vommed. It’s ok, we’ve all been there. And whilst a contemplation of the biological processes at play is a far cry from the double patties, bacon and cheese number you’re conjuring, it’s important to get a grip on the facts so that you can effectively manage the fall out. So, let us talk nerdy to you.

The gastrointestinal tract (your gut), liver and pancreas are on the front line of any binge behaviours and subsequently will bear the brunt of your alcoholism. Your self-imposed assault (by means of martini) causes inflammation, tissue damage, disrupting the integrity of the gut lining, subsequently allowing bacteria and toxins to enter the blood stream. Alcohol is broken down in the liver by alcohol dehydrogenase to acetaldehyde. These two help break apart the alcohol molecule in order to eliminate it from the body which is done via two detoxification channels, performed in succession known as phase 1 and phase 2 of detoxification. These both stem from the liver, and lead to the bowels and bladder respectively for elimination.

Read below for some fool proof advice to prop you back on your proverbial horse and have you galloping toward sweet relief faster than you can say “Yee Hahh”, essentially preparing you for the certain re-run due to unfold next weekend.

Hydration

If you don’t know this one already then, you’re still drunk. Alcohol depletes your body of electrolytes. We suggest you exercise a little preparedness prior to trotting out the door with a hydrolyte and vessel of water on your bedside. This will have you well equipped for the following morning (or afternoon, no judgement) when you stumble through the threshold unable to recall your last name. Coconut water with fresh lime on ice is also an outstanding way to gain some of those electrolytes back – we just pray you didn’t hit the skinny bitches (vodka sodas) too hard the prior evening as the resemblance may trigger a gag.

Vitamin B

B vitamins will help kick start phase 1 of the liver detox. We understand that fruits and vegetables aren’t the most appetizing in such a state however a green smoothie with a side of eggs are literally what your doctor’s ordering (or your nutritionist, trivial details). Both of these are very high in B vitamins, and if you do as your told we’ll allow a side of bacon because we understand that bacon fixes everything. Trust us when we say, consuming as many dark leafy greens as possible in the AM will go a long way in preventing that second hangover in the afternoon.

Sweat it out baby!

Don’t shoot the messengers, however when it comes to ejecting toxins there’s really no better means than sweat. Going for a brisk walk for 30 minutes will assist with the detox process as well as an increase of endorphins, yay – you’ll be needing those to conquer the arguably heavier, moral hangover of texting fuckboy whom we’d absolutely sworn off. If the thought of exercise has you legitimately fearing for your life then get yourself to an infrared sauna and sweat it out that way.

Cruciferous Vegetables

As we alluded to earlier, these babies are known for supporting the liver and enhancing alkalinity and subsequently very important to consume always but especially post blow out. Cruciferous vegetables include rocket, kale, broccoli and brussels sprouts. Get this in your mouth by any means possible, even if that means as a side to your dirty burger and deep-fried mars bar, everything in moderation, right?

Healthy Eating

We realize we’ve condoned fried foods (because we KNOW!!), however, we do of course recommend you avoid fatty foods all together as they delay your return to the fountain of youth. As you should be well versed in by now, your body is trying to filter out the toxins and consuming a fatty meal is making your liver and gut work over time. Hate to sound like a broken record, however please do try and eat fresh and simply, we promise you’ll be thanking us later.

Afternoon Siesta

A little nana nap, kip, snooze whatever you want to call it, is very much encouraged. You need to recoup some zzz’s as a lack of sleep is one of the main culprits for you feeling so horrendous. Oh, and likely also the 10 rounds of Patron you instigated as they called for last drinks – you animal!